Young Love

I finally met the storied girlfriend of a new acquaintance. I’d heard from our mutual friends about the scandal of their relationship; she’s an undergrad below the drinking age, he’s 18 years her senior and first met her as a friend of her family, when she was a child. Everyone had spoken of the age difference in a way that implied two things. One was that she was silly and immature. The second was that the only basis for the romance was the age difference—i.e. she was nubile and easily manipulated and eager to please.

None of this was true. She was, frankly, a dork. She wore mismatched denim and stripes. Her mouth was more mobile on one side than the other and she was judicious when she spoke, making jokes or comments that were of her company’s register. Her hair looked not dirty but certainly slept on. She never giggled. I started to find her incredibly sexy; she was so confident in her unfeminity.

Later we went to a bar and she began to dance. We’d talked at dinner about dancing, how the key is to shed your ego entirely and dance like no one is watching. She said she’d lately been dancing in front of a mirror and thought she was pretty good. Even then I knew her dancing would not be what most might think of as “good,” but I couldn’t have envisioned the exuberant jig that leapt from her body, a kicking, rocking bounce that had a rhythm but not one that was obviously from the song.

Her moves established her as queen. People formed a circle, danced with her, welcomed her back into the crowd for every new number even as her energy waned drastically due to the alcohol and her previous performances. I was in awe. I thought I’d just once like to be the person who illuminates a whole room of strangers with such radical self-assurance. Not because of the camaraderie or congratulations afterwards but because of the bravery it takes to make that first step, to illustrate that truly cool means just not giving a shit if other people like the way you like to be, and to mark a space as one where everyone should be free to be just as uninhibited. And it’s hard to do that wholeheartedly. It’s hard to wholeheartedly be yourself.